In one word, having anxiety feels like a burden. The constant nervousness, the jittery instances, the loud thumping of the heart that is felt in the back of your shoulders, your neck, your throat; it is confusing, it is frightening and most importantly, it is as harsh as the first time you experienced it. That’s at least until you learn to deal with it. The worst part about being diagnosed with anxiety is how much the thought of that makes me anxious.
It happened 4 months ago, I was woken up by extreme palpitations. I took a sip of water, tried to slow down my heartbeat and flashes of painfully worrying thoughts that reminisced my dark corners. It didn’t work for a while, until I got exhausted of trying and eventually passed out. The symptoms have got interesting and dare I say, more apparent than ever, in the last 3 weeks – chest pains, jittery stomach, hands shaking, irregular breathing, the likes. I have to agree, I’m not the most optimistic person, so the anxiety really does add to my sour take on life; but more than that, the physical symptoms genuinely scare the shit out of me some days. Ironically, they usually get much worse on the weekends, you know the time when you hope to unwind, but end up thinking about everything that’s not working out. I guess I’m hoping by putting this out there, I could lighten the burden and perhaps open a debate that could help me and help some of you who are going through the same.
There are a few things that I’m working with as of now to ensure I have some control over my anxiety and they seem to working (most days). I hope these things help you out or if you have any alternatives, leave them in comments below.
- I’ve been meditating *GASP*. This has never been something I’ve been inclined to do, but this has really helped my sleep patterns. I usually go on YouTube, find sleep hypnosis/meditation rituals and listen to them in bed, relaxing. It has an unusually relaxing affect to my breathing, my physical jitteriness and in calming my thoughts.
- I’ve been focussing on eating healthy (mostly). I have my days when I chow down on noodles or pasta, but surprisingly enough, hefty food really adds up to the anxiety ( at least for me). So fibers, proteins and good carbs have been in my diet, followed by very little caffeine and plenty of water. I feel as if this has a psychosomatic affect on my mind; anxiety brings out a lot of physical symptoms that startle you, the fact that you’re taking care of your body instils this feeling of self-care and wellbeing. That thought really calms me down.
- Anxiety is really hard to explain or to talk about. Since this has been my second hit with this disorder, it somehow feels stronger. I guess it really depends on what you’re dealing with i.e. family, relationships, work or financial issues. Personally, I know I’ve made it a point to be a bit more shut down about my personal feelings; in friendships and at home. It’s a personal choice and I’m not sure if that’s feeding my anxiety, so I’ve made it a point to write in my journal every day! It helps me gather my emotions, my goals, things that are working out, and the ones that aren’t.
- Lastly, take a time-out! Just this last weekend, I had a major meltdown; I was shaking and panicking and a whole lot of mess. I took a second to breathe; went outside with a cup of coffee (decaf), forced myself to listen to each and every lyric to the music I was playing, did a few pamper rituals and made a to-do list for the rest of the week. You have to train your mind to allow distractions from the overwhelming feelings. It’s a slow race, but you have to win it!
I hope reading this helps you; as much as writing it has helped me.
Baking is THERAPY. And if therapy can deliver such decadent results, then I’m in! This recipe is a chug and go, which is rare when it comes to baking. There’s no fussing over with a kitchen aid, it’s a bowl, whisk and wooden spoon job that reaps the most delicious rewards. Here’s how it goes. Read More
There’s something so therapeutic about not just eating, but making comfort food. I truly enjoy the catharsis of creating something out of passion for the produce and the process. A true foodie doesn’t just associate comfort food with tough days, they associate it with food that feels like a warm hug on a cold rainy day. This recipe feels something like that. A true mix of hearty food with mellow, yet vibrant flavors packing a punch. This Ladies and Gentlemen, is my Italian Vegetarian Lasagne. It’s decadent, it’s filling, it’s a family dish to devour. And here is how it’s done! Read More
I avoid things; big moments, confrontations, and more recently, emotions. In my past, I I’ve been in both states of mind, one where I’m a hard hearted, fake a smile kind of a girl or the one where I’m a hot mess, seeking help. I spent most of my 2015 being the latter. And now, I don’t know where I stand, but it’s somewhere in between. A grey area I can’t quite comprehend navigating, because there are days I want to scream at the top of my lungs, talk about my disappointments and things that are falling apart and then there are days where I want to succumb to a dark reservoir of pain, self-loathing and nothingness…
I have a thing for traveling (as if it weren’t apparent from my crazy Instagram feed filled with travel moments). I had an adventurous stay at Anantara Hotel and Spa two weeks ago and believe me, nothing would make me happier to be there right about now. Read More
‘What am I doing with my life?’ is a question you ask and avoid relentlessly.
If you’re 25, give or take, I’m sure your plate’s starting to feel too small for all the questions, all the choices and all the decisions that you’re about to make. Every day you’re farther away from the person you were at 17, dreaming of a certain life, a certain goal and a certain magic. What once seemed a stepping stone for becoming closer to the person you’ve always dreamt to be, is now becoming a train you’re running too late to catch. I’d argue that age is just a number, that there’s still time and this isn’t a race, but that would go against every cell in my body that’s making me feel just that. Read More
Urban Decay’s launches are my biggest vice (pun intended). As a beauty junkie, it is my bread and butter to love and adore the brand’s well loved series of Naked and Vice palettes. So when I did give this palette a whirl, I wasn’t surprised to find quality and pigmentation that lived to the hype.
You know my writer brain is doing that thing again. One where it aches to write epiphanies and thoughts that are better left unsaid and unspoken. So here I go.
As I independently stroll across a sidewalk; water and rocks on one side, pool on the other, there’s some sort of “being alone” moment that occurs. So I quickly chat away with friends and update social media just so that feeling goes away. And for a minute that connection, that like, that response makes perfect sense, it makes me laugh and smile and quickly and discreetly, it fades away.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt that, finding loneliness in a moment of independence, forgetting why I’m in a busy room full of people I barely know or right in the middle of a meeting, finding solutions for clients, but only questions for myself. Why does alone feel so lonely? And, why aren’t all these people I know and love filling that space so I don’t feel as empty anymore.
Complicated questions, no answers.
If I were honest, it makes so much sense when I put it into words, write it out. But every time someone asks If I’m okay? The perfected words “I’m fine” are the only ones that seem to escape my lips. Imagine this, you walk up to someone, someone who seems to be doing fairly okay and ask them How they’re doing? Are you really looking for the right answer or the easy answer? Are you willing to listen and understand all the reasons once isn’t fine. Does it make a difference? Will it ever? Agh, I’ll never know.
Just like I never know what to say when someone asks me any question that demands baring soul and letting in. Sarcastic humor cocooning insecurities (learned effectively from Chandler Bing) seems to be the only way I’d tell the truth. As if knowing what’s wrong is this big piece of the puzzle that demands your utter attention in knowing me. I’m not gonna lie, every time I do do that, my insides are screaming, “read between the lines.”
Until next time…
It’s nearly 12:00 AM, which means my birthday is ending in merely minutes. And instead of a bitter-sweet goodbye, I have a sense of peaceful content. This year has been a bumpy one and I didn’t expect the kind of love and affection that swept me in the last 24 hours, but I have to tell you, I know some really thoughtful souls.
And as I initiate becoming a 24-year-old woman (hate the word, really), It feels like this giant weight has been lifted from my heart. The fear of never being worthy of such intense love has faded away, and as much as I’ve realized I need these people in my life, I’ve also realized that I’m needed too. Even as I write it, I find this the most refreshing sentence I’ve heard in a while from myself.
Here’s to this year of intense lessons, new friendships, the renewal of old ones too… I am forever grateful for everything you’ve put me through. I don’t feel wiser or older, per se, I just feel lifted and transformed. I literally have no words for all the admiration I have for the ones I hold close. I just know that all the years I’ve spent wanting relationships like these, they’re finally worth the wait.
And I couldn’t be happier.
Sending everyone of you a big fat panda hug ❤